SAME SEX ATTRACTION - The Problem and Solution for Men

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• Has trouble making, forming, and maintaining close healthy relationships

with other men

• Has more opposite-sex friendships than same-sex friendships

• Feels uncomfortable and awkward around other men

• Feels inadequate compared to other men

• Secretly longs or desperately desires to fit in and be part of a group of men

(band of brothers)

• Feels ostracized by other men

• Doesn’t see himself as a full and complete man

• Can be easily intimidated or persuaded by other men

• Doesn’t understand the give and take of healthy male friendships

• Is overly sensitive to criticisms

• Cannot take good-natured joking or kidding from other men

• Can only guess at what it means to be a “man”

• Feels more comfortable around women than men (may have chosen a

female dominated profession)

• Has trouble starting or initiating romantic or sexual relationships

with women

• May have fantasized about being like other men, admiring their qualities,

looks, characteristics and these fantasies may have become sexual

• May have acted out sexually with other men

• May be overly focused on his appearance and that of other men

• Secretly craves healthy, affirming affection from other men but feels

awkward accepting or expressing such affection

• Feels unsure of himself

• Plagued by self-doubt and regrets

• Can be indecisive (has trouble making decisions, second guesses himself,

fearful of doing or saying the wrong thing)

• Doesn’t trust his own judgment

• Seeks the advice and approval of other men

• Often overcompensates for his perceived inadequacies by overachieving

in school, career, profession, hobby, or wife’s interests

• Feels that no one understands him

• May often be very religious or have a highly developed sense of moral/

social consciousness

• Is very sensitive

• Has troubled or non-existent relationships with their fathers

• As a child experienced a significant betrayal (either real or perceived) by

their father

• Has rejected the hurtful models of manhood in addition to the appropriate,

healthy model

• Felt misunderstood as a child and as a man (especially by other boys

or men)

• Looks to external factors (career, accomplishments, material possessions,

physical beauty) to make him feel like a man

As children, many of us did not experience the secure love of our father or

another male role model. Many of us were abandoned, abused, or ignored by

our father or an older man. We were disconnected from other boys and were

often called upon to provide emotional support to our mothers. We desperately

wanted to fit in with other boys and longed for the attention of a loving father.

During puberty these legitimate unmet needs became sexualized. This was a

confusing time, as we felt alone and unsure of ourselves with no one to show us

the way to manhood. We may have experienced additional trauma or abuse

during this awkward time. We became more aware of how different we felt and

we did not develop emotionally as other boys did. We may have retreated into

the world of women or girls, or developed specialized talents, or used drugs or

alcohol as a desperate cry for our father’s attention. We began to fantasize about

other boys or men in a futile attempt to steal their manhood for ourselves. As we

developed, our unmet needs for a father’s love and guidance took over and

hijacked our sexual desires. Some of us acted out our desires with pornography,

sex with ourselves, and high-risk sex with other men in a desperate attempt to

escape from the inner pain, emptiness, and insecurity we felt.

Our misdirected sexual thoughts and actions kept us locked in a world of

unreality and kept us from developing emotionally and spiritually as men. For

some of us this sexual behavior became an addiction, but we felt inadequate,

unworthy, alone, and powerless to change our thinking and behavior. Many of

us lived in shame and secrecy always fearful that others would discover our

pain. We were trapped in a seemingly hopeless state.

We admitted that, in our own strength, we were unable to change our thinking

or behavior. Acknowledging God’s design and desire for our sexuality, we

began to face the root causes of our same sex attractions. We realized that our

sexual thinking and behavior was an attempt to cope with the pain of our past and the loss

(whether real or perceived) of our earthly father’s love. We realized

that our painful childhood experiences were not God’s desire for us and our

attempts to meet those unmet needs only made the situation worse and started us

in a cycle of sexual confusion and bondage.

We sought God’s help for victory over our compulsive desires while

examining and admitting our part in our sinful past. We began to reconnect

with other men in a safe and healthy environment as God revealed our

shortcomings and underdeveloped character to us. We did our part to make

amends for our past wrongs and to forgive those who hurt us. By accepting

God as our perfect, heavenly Father and His unending love for us, we made

peace with our past and came to rest in our new found identity as Men of God,

new creations in Christ Jesus.

1. Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Limit your

sharing to three to five minutes.

2. There will be NO cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in

conversation, excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her

feelings without interruptions.

3. We are here to support one another, not “fix” one another.

4. Anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the

group stays in the group. The only exception is when someone threatens to

injure themselves or others.

5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered recovery group.

Sponsor: ______________________________________________________________

Accountability Partners:

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