FREEDOM FROM ANGER - The Problem and Solution for Women

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As women who struggle with anger, we may not recognize that our anger has

foundations in other basic emotions—usually fear or pain. These basic emotions

may have become damaged as adults or when we were children. Some of us

may have been abused or neglected as children. Others may have lost a parent or

a loved one by their death. Many of us may have been abused or cheated on by a

spouse or boyfriend.

We may have learned how to express anger inappropriately from our parents,

other relatives, or friends. We did not realize that when we lashed out in anger,

we were ignoring our fear, pain, or another deeper hurt, habit or hang-up. Others

of us did not even realize we were struggling with anger because we did not

express it, but rather, we stuffed it down and kept silent.

As our lives and relationships progressed we may have become addicted

to the physical symptoms of anger. Some of us may have felt a momentary

euphoria as the anger was released. Some of us did not recognize we were

actually hurting our loved ones and ourselves in the process. In the heat of the

moment, releasing our anger was all that mattered.

Some of us felt our anger was justified based on the object of anger’s

actions, i.e., “If he hadn’t come home late from work, I wouldn’t have had to

yell at him” or “If she had not talked back to me, I would not have had to slap

her” or “My husband deserves me calling him names, yelling and fighting

because he cheated on me.”

Many of us feel intense shame and guilt over the actions that we have

committed during our unhealthy expressions of anger. We have vowed to never

act that way again, only to find ourselves back in the same situations, unable to

change it under our own power. Anger has confused us and gotten the better of

us time and time again.

Some of us did not understand that anger is a God given emotion and that we

could use it in healthy, productive ways. Being angry meant that we were bad,

somehow faulty; even that we were not Christians. We have allowed our shame and

guilt to create the false belief that we could not turn to God for his comfort, strength

and guidance. We did not feel worthy of His help or love. We remained stuck in

using anger as a coping mechanism and to get the desired results from others.

The Solution

This emotion can be CONSTRUCTIVE or DESTRUCTIVE—depending upon

my response. The focus of this group is on giving Jesus a “NANO SECOND”

(just one billionth of a second!), to help me use all of my emotions according to

God’s design, for my life, and to appropriately change my pattern of relating to

my responsibilities and to other people.

It is both healthy and necessary to feel anger and to talk about my anger.

I should recognize anger as my own emotion and avoid hurting the objects of

my anger—keeping my anger as a feeling not an action. Looking at anger as a

feeling may also reveal a larger hurt, habit or hang up that is hiding behind the

anger. It is what I do with my feelings that will allow me to fall into sin. I

need to check the motives for my behavior. Rudeness under the disguise of

being honest is still rudeness.

There are two kinds of anger: healthy adaptive anger and unhealthy

needless anger. Healthy anger is based on being protective of myself or

others. Unhealthy needless anger is based on my resentment which leads to

desiring revenge. Recognizing and accepting my responsibility for unhealthy

needless anger is the first step towards true freedom from anger.

DAILY QUIET TIME WITH GOD: Anger causes me to live in conflict and

not in peace. I will try to remember that God is in charge of my life and He

loves me unconditionally. I will commit to having a daily quiet time with God.

TAKING A “TIME-OUT”: When I feel body arousal, I need to recognize

that as a sign that I am getting angry. I will use a “time-out” to isolate myself

from the trigger for my anger and to prevent the anger from becoming too

intense. I will ask myself, “What is making me angry? And “How is this

trigger about me?” I will reappraise the situation to keep my behavior under

control. I will do something physical to release the adrenaline rush and energy

in a healthy way, such as going for a walk or cleaning a closet. I will avoid

alcohol, caffeine, or other medicating substances during “time-out.” Looking

at anger as a feeling may also reveal a larger hurt, habit or hang up that is

hiding behind the anger.

CONFRONTING IN LOVE: After the time-out, I will go back and deal with

what made me angry. If I leave an issue unresolved, it is likely to return later.

I will not use the confrontation as an opportunity to blame, shame, seek

revenge, or to rationalize my anger. Examples of confronting in love while

WORK THE 12 STEPS AND CONNECT WITH OTHERS: I will commit

to working the 12 Steps, to attend regularly the Celebrate Recovery meetings,

and to getting an Accountability Partner for my anger management. (We

strongly suggest each woman obtain a Life Recovery Bible and the

Participant’s Guides, which are the tools we use in Celebrate Recovery.)

FORGIVE: I will become willing to forgive myself and others. The Lord

forgave you, so you must be willing to forgive others (Colossians 3:13b NLT).

Forgiveness is NOT forgetting what has happened. Forgiveness IS changing

the way I think. Forgiveness IS my giving up my desire for revenge.

SELF CONTROL: Selfcontrol is a mark of spiritual maturity, while giving in

to outward anger (raging), or giving the silent treatment (stuffing), denotes the

exact opposite. I will ask myself before I speak:

• Is it true?

• Is it kind?

• Is it necessary?

I can choose:

• To be positive in my communication.

• To not withhold approval, acceptance, or affection.

• To not withhold my presence.

• To choose equality, rather than seeking false superiority feelings or false

inferiority feelings.

When the trials come, I can be assured that if God has allowed them through

His love, they are designed to produce good in me. As I continue to work through

my anger, I will be patient with myself, living one day at a time, enjoying one

moment at a time. I will try not to allow guilt or discouragement to drag me

lower than my anger does. God, who is the essence of patience, is very willing

to take the necessary time to see me through my struggle.

1. Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Limit your

sharing to three to five minutes.

2. There will be NO cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in

conversation, excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her

feelings without interruptions.

3. We are here to support one another, not “fix” one another.

4. Anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the

group stays in the group. The only exception is when someone threatens to

injure themselves or others.

5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered recovery group.

Sponsor: ______________________________________________________________

Accountability Partners:

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