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CODEPENDENCY- The Problem
and Solution for Women
(click here
for a printable version)
The Problem
On the surface,
codependency sounds like “Christian teaching.” Codependents
always put others
first before taking care of themselves. (Aren’t Christians to
put others first?)
Codependents give themselves away. (Shouldn’t Christians do
the same?)
Codependents martyr themselves. (Christianity honors its martyrs.)
Compliance Patterns
- As a codependent, you:
• Assume
responsibility for others’ feelings and behaviors.
• Feel guilty about
others’ feelings and behaviors.
• Have difficulty
identifying what you are feeling.
• Have difficulty
expressing feelings.
• Are afraid of your
own anger, yet sometimes erupt in rage.
• Worry about how
others may respond to your feelings, opinions,
and behavior.
• Have difficulty
making decisions.
• Are afraid of
being hurt and/or rejected by others.
• Minimize, alter or
deny how you truly feel.
• Are very sensitive
to how others are feeling and feel the same.
• Are afraid to
express differing opinions or feeling.
• Value others
opinions and feelings more than your own.
• Put other people’s
needs and desires before your own.
• Embarrassed to
receive recognition and praise, or gifts.
• Judge everything
you think, say, or do harshly, as never “good enough.”
• Are a
perfectionist.
• Are extremely
loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
• Do not ask others
to meet your needs or desires.
• Do not perceive
yourself as lovable and worthwhile.
• Compromise your
own values and integrity to avoid rejection or
others’ anger.
In its broadest
sense, codependency can be defined as an addiction to people,
behaviors or things.
Codependency is the fallacy of trying to control interior
feelings by
controlling people, things, and events on the outside. To the
codependent, control
or the lack of it is central to every aspect of life.
The Solution
Jesus taught the
value of the individual. He said we are to love others equal
to ourselves, not
more than ourselves. The love of self forms the basis for
loving others. The
differences between a life of service and codependency
take several forms.
Motivation differs. Does the individual give himself and
his service freely
or because he considers himself to be of no value? Does he
seek to “please
people?” Does he act out of guilt and fear? Does he act out of
a need to be needed
(which means he actually uses the other person to meet
his own needs; the
“helpee” becomes an object to help the helper achieve his
own goals).
• Codependents
learns to gain his self-worth through Jesus Christ.
• Christianity (The
Bible) teaches that a person has worth simply because
he was created by
God.
• Your self-worth is
not based on the work you do or the service you
perform.
• Service is to be
an active choice. Codependents learn to “act” rather
than “react.”
• Codependents allow
healthy Christian service to bring joy.
• Christian faith
calls for balanced living and taking care of yourself.
• Codependents learn
to choose balanced behavior rather than addictive
behavior and to
allow others to be in charge of their own lives.
• Codependents learn
to live balanced lives; taking responsibility for their
own health and
well-being.
• Codependents learn
how to set and hold healthy boundaries and to set
limits for
themselves, not allowing others to compromise those
boundaries.
• Codependents learn
to help others in appropriate ways, by allowing others
to act
independently, rather than making others dependent on them.
• Codependents learn
to be God-directed and be free from compulsiveness,
knowing that God
brings the ultimate results
Small Group
Guidelines
1. Keep your sharing
focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Limit your
sharing to three to
five minutes.
2. There will be NO
cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in
conversation,
excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her
feelings without
interruptions.
3. We are here to
support one another, not “fix” one another.
4. Anonymity and
confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the
group stays in the
group. The only exception is when someone threatens to
injure themselves or
others.
5. Offensive
language has no place in a Christ-centered recovery group.
Accountability Team
Phone Numbers
Sponsor:
______________________________________________________________
Accountability
Partners:
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________________________
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