CODEPENDENCY - The Problem and Solution for Men

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We are codependent because we allow the behavior of another person to effect

our behavior so that we become consumed with that person and their problems.

This obsession with the issues and problems of others becomes debilitating to us

as we exhaust inordinate and inappropriate amounts of mental and emotional

energy over them, leaving little, if any, energy for ourselves.

Often our childhood was so chaotic and our environments were so out of

control, we learned ways to escape to try to find serenity. As we grew into

adulthood, we worked hard at trying to control our external environment,

believing it was the key to our happiness and inner peace. Our family of origin

was frequently dysfunctional. Sometimes we even blamed ourselves for our

parent’s problems. If we were terrorized by a volatile alcoholic parent, anger

became an unacceptable and unwelcomed guest in our lives. Anger was to be

avoided at all costs. As a result, we learned to appease; we learned to rescue.

We learned to be aware of others’ feelings in order to protect ourselves and

began to lose touch with our own feelings. We made ourselves responsible for

the happiness of others, and when they weren’t happy, neither were we.

We are extremely loyal but also extremely insecure. Self-doubt is our

constant companion, and often self-hatred. Being unacceptable to ourselves,

we hide our true selves, convinced that if anyone truly knew us, they would

abandon us. This fear of abandonment often fuels our codependent behavior as

we seek to do everything in our power to become so valuable that others would

not want to leave us. By choice, our lives are not our own and our emotions are

the property of whatever crisis the person(s) closest to us is having.

We don’t have to live this way! We do have a choice. We can live free of these

obligatory compulsions. Through God’s help we can learn to take responsibility

for our own lives and allow others to take responsibility for theirs.

With Jesus Christ as our Higher Power we learn how to apply the 8 Recovery

Principles and 12 Steps, designed to guide us through the journey we call

“Recovery.” If we are diligent to provide willingness, integrity, consistency and

rigorous honesty, God will supply us with courage, strength and the ability to

take the necessary steps to gain freedom from our compulsive behaviors.

In the context of caring and loving relationships, we learn to recognize our

dependence upon God. We are then able to take a penetrating look at

ourselves, and inventory both our own and other’s contributions to our lives

which have brought us to where we are today. As our defects of character are

unearthed, we are able to come clean to ourselves, to God and to safe people.

When our secrets cease our freedom will increase. God provides us with tools

and a will to do what we once thought impossible. We begin to see

relationships restored, old animosities put to rest and lives pieced back

together. We learn to take daily inventory that we might continue to walk in

truth, light and freedom. Most importantly, we can draw closer to God than

ever before. We are being used by Him to share our lives and God’s miracles

with others that they might experience the hope and healing that we have

experienced.

Codependent sobriety is somewhat different in nature in that we do not have a

substance from which to abstain. Our addiction is more relational in nature.

The key is learning how to have healthy relationships and how to establish and

enforce appropriate boundaries that we may accurately establish where we end

and another person begins.

Therefore, we define codependent sobriety as a faithful commitment to

consistently work the program; which includes working or having worked

through the CR Step Study Group; steady attendance at the Friday night

meetings; and responsibility to a Sponsor and Accountability Partners.

We advocate journaling, daily inventory, transparency and rigorous honesty

1. Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Limit your

sharing to three to five minutes.

2. There will be NO cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in

conversation, excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her

feelings without interruptions.

3. We are here to support one another, not “fix” one another.

4. Anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the

group stays in the group. The only exception is when someone threatens to

injure themselves or others.

5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered recovery group.

Sponsor: ______________________________________________________________

Accountability Partners:

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