CODEPENDENT WOMEN IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH A

SEXUALLY ADDICTED MAN

(click here for a printable version)

The Problem and the Solution

Many of us blame ourselves for the addict’s behavior: We tell ourselves, “If only

I were more attractive, thinner, taller, shorter, etc.—if only I were more sexual.”

We give in to others’ behaviors, only to lose ourselves in the process. Sometimes,

we have even participated in their sexual fantasies, or joined in by buying

pornography or renting videos, leaving us feeling used and abused. Some of us

ignored or did not recognize the signs that the addict was living a secret life.

Many of us blame the addict and their behavior for every problem in our

relationship. We believe that if they would only change then everything would

be fine. In essence, codependents are addicted to their spouse’s behaviors. They

either give in to the addict, try to control them or make them stop.

We have sometimes pretended to family, friends, and co-workers that

everything is “wonderful.” We have been unforgiving and sometimes punishing

toward the addict.

• Having a spouse who has continually called “900” sex numbers.

• Having a spouse who is currently having or has had an affair.

• You, yourself, are having an affair.

• Issues dealing with molestation and abuse from spouse.

• Their spouse is having homosexual affairs.

• Their spouse is watching adult sex videos and buying pornography

(magazines).

• Their spouse is having sex with prostitutes.

• Hear the struggles of other Codependents.

• Learn healthy, Christian values for family roles and rules.

• Gain information about healthy sexuality and relationships.

• Break through denial and other unhealthy family patterns.

• Encouragement from the group to find peace, strength and grace through

a personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

• Build healthy relationships by finding love and acceptance in a “safe”

place to share.

• Realize that we could not control the addict or their behavior.

• Understand that our problems are emotional and spiritual.

• Face our denial and accept the truth about our lives, and our past issues.

• Realize that blaming ourselves, trying to control the addict and/or ignoring

their behavior, refusing to set and uphold our own personal boundaries,

are all signs of co-addiction.

• Accept responsibility for our own actions and make Jesus the Lord of

our lives.

• Become dedicated to learning about sexual addiction and co-addiction

and becoming partners with our spouse in recovery.

• Realize we are not responsible for their addiction or recovery. It is not

our job to “cure” them.

• Find healthy ways to release our fears and anger and refuse to use

anger inappropriately towards the addict.

• Have a safe place to share fears, hurt or anger and also to rejoice

in victories.

• Face our own defects and work through these feelings.

• Take the focus off of the addict and focus on God and our own thoughts

and feelings.

1. Keep your sharing focused on your own thoughts and feelings. Limit your

sharing to three to five minutes.

2. There will be NO cross talk. Cross talk is when two individuals engage in

conversation, excluding all others. Each person is free to express his or her

feelings without interruptions.

3. We are here to support one another, not “fix” one another.

4. Anonymity and confidentiality are basic requirements. What is shared in the

group stays in the group. The only exception is when someone threatens to

injure themselves or others.

5. Offensive language has no place in a Christ-centered recovery group.

Sponsor: ______________________________________________________________

Accountability Partners:

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